Spiritual & Sexual Covenantal Union

A covenant relationship, or marriage, can experience its own spiritual journey toward union with the Divine as one with multiple members. Understood as a covenantal three-some between the two human beloved members and G-d the Lover, covenantal partnerships may experience their own unique progression through what Janet Ruffing refers to as “love mysticism.”(1) Ruffing offers a possible process for participating in a path toward love mysticism (2) that is applicable for covenant partnerships, as well. 

First, to become adult lovers, covenant partners must overcome their separateness, developing the capacity to participate in intimate relationships, and learn to be with each other and G-d without losing themselves. As the poet Gibran reminds us, there is a delicate balance between mutuality and codependency. “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. ...Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.”(3)

Second, covenant partners may discover entirely new identities as “I” in relationship with the Thou, or as “we” in relationship with the Trinitarian Them. By releasing any preconceived notions of western dualism and/or autonomy, covenant couples begin to perceive the Divine Lover (and one another’s belovedness) not as Other or stranger, but as One cleaved in unity and mutuality. Seeing the covenant relationship as a holy three-some, each member understands their identity by who they are together in the whole covenant relationship. This enlightened identity comprehends that I am because we are and we are because G-d is...with us.

The third stage of this process shifts from perceiving G-d as outside the covenant relationship to sensing each of the three-some’s members’ presence as a part of a whole. This shift in perception looks within while simultaneously looking outside the covenantal three-some (to all of the rest of creation) from G-d’s perspective as perceived from within the covenant relationship. The covenant relationship becomes a window for understanding everything outside the three-some from a Divine shaped perspective. Sensing that the covenant relationship is spirituality and sexually unified with the Divine (and that G-d is a mutual member of the cleaved one-ness of the covenantal three-some), the partners in the covenant relationship begin to appreciate G-d’s desires as expressed through the actual covenant relationship - both with the covenantal partners internally and with all interacting externally with the covenant relationship. This stage may be compared to the Body of Christ. Although there are many members of the Body of Christ, each member grows into understanding the interrelatedness of the Body’s connections from the point of view of the integrated Body, not just from the perspective of the hand, or foot, or ear, or eye. It is a synergistic hermeneutical perspective that appreciates all of G-d’s creation holistically from within the point of view of the Body of Christ.

Fourth, covenant couples eventually experience the Divine Lover as the source of all loving, even the source of each member’s loving for the covenantal three-some, as well as the source of all desiring and desirability within the covenantal relationship. Through intentional spiritual and sexual mutuality with each other and the developing mystical loving union with the Holy, covenant partners know that the very substance of all that they are individually, all that they are together as a couple, and all that their relationship will be comes from the Holy and returns to the Holy in mutually satisfying and pleasurable consummation spiritually and sexually. Ruffing suggests that “such unitive experiences lead to a God-human partnership with feelings of equality, reciprocity, giving to God as well as receiving, and mutual care and pleasuring.”(4) These contemplative and climactic experiences both satiate and stoke all desiring within the covenant relationship, drawing the partners into deeper and deeper intimate union with G-d and each other.

Ultimately, continued spiritually and sexually integrated connection with the Divine Lover as covenantal partners through loving mystical union leads to transformation of the covenantal relationship and its partners. Mystical loving union of the Lover and the beloveds shapes the members of the covenant relationship in such a way that it becomes apparent to those outside of the covenant relationships. The transformation of the union can be seen in the interactions that the covenant relationship (and its members) have with children, family members, neighbors, other married couples, faith communities, or when entertaining strangers encountered in the world. This loving mystical metamorphosis bears the fruits of the Spirit that Paul discusses with the Galatian believers: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.(5)

Marriage, especially covenantal marriage in the Christian tradition, is considered to be different than other relationships, set apart by authentic intimacy with, and belovedness of, all three covenant partners. Ruffing suggests that “[i]ntimacy with God, like intimacy with significant others in our lives, is characterized by being and expressing one’s self while in the presence of one who is important to us.”(6) Belovedness - to be chosen and cleaved together as one with each other and G-d - contributes to the holiness (set apart-ness) of the covenant relationship. So the covenantal three-some is recognized as a holy container for such an embodied spiritual and sexual integration in relationship with each other and the Divine.

Love mysticism is a path available for covenant couples to experience this holy ecstasy with all three of the covenant members of their union. Ecstasy (being beside one’s self or finding ourselves literally beyond our embodied or intellectual control), describes the very state of loving mystical union within the covenantal three-some. Individual partners are no longer their own, no longer dualistic autonomous others, but one -whole and complete -and part of something more than the individual members combined. Where the covenant relationship ends and G-d begins is no longer distinguishable. This integrated spiritual and sexual mystical union transforms the marriage relationship into G-d’s presence and desire for loving union with others in the world, establishing the covenant relationship as a living, moving, and sacramental be-ing.

- excerpted and adapted from Love Mysticism in Couples Spiritual Direction by Mary-Carolyn M. Allport, May 2, 2022.

Bibliographical Resources & References

1. Janet K. Ruffing, RSM, “Searching for the Beloved: Love Mysticism in Spiritual Direction,” in Spiritual Direction: Beyond the Beginnings (New York: Paulist Press, 2000), 95-123.

2. Ruffing, Janet K., RSM, Spiritual Direction: Beyond the Beginnings (New York: Paulist Press, 2000), 107-108..

3. Gibran, Kahlil. " On Marriage," in The Prophet (New York: Knopf, 1925), 19-20.  For additional information, see also https://www.themarginalian.org/2016/09/27/kahlil-gibran-the-prophet-love-marriage/

4. Ruffing, Spiritual Direction, 115. 

5. Galatians 5:22-23.

6. Ruffing, Spiritual Direction, 126.

RISK

    We are ambivalent about risk, aren’t we. It threatens danger and unwelcome loss while tempting us with the possibility of reward. It entails exposure to concealed consequences and requires faith that future conclusions, in the words of Julian of Norwich, will be well and that all manner of thing will work out well. Risk makes us vulnerable to the unknown while demanding our agency to respond to that which is unknown. Risk is also the spiritual disciple of taking the next right step without the assurance of favorable outcomes, but the belief that it will lead to the next right step after that. Risk is a necessary part of becoming fully human, chancing the integration of our whole body, mind, and soul in order to flourish in our own messy lives.

    The incarnation is G-d’s embodied self-revelation to us through the local vernacular that we can comprehend - flesh. Quite risqué, it is G-d with skin-on. Relationally, the incarnation is G-d putting some skin in our unpredictable game of life, making an investment in us that is worth the inherent gamble. “The word did not just become flesh and dwell among us,” Ronald Rolheiser explains, “it became flesh and continues to dwell among us. In the body of believers and in the Eucharist, God still has physical skin and can still be physically present seen, touched, smelled, heard, and tasted.”(1)
    The mystery of the incarnation then, and the embodiment of Christ through believers now, serves as G-d’s ultimate conveyance and connection in action. It is G-d’s loving desire to be in intimate, authentic relationships with us regardless of the risk. Through a neo-orthodox theological lens (2), this is the greatest act of love. “[T]he very humanity of God is seen through the outpouring of God’s love, which,” Kelly Brown Douglas points out, “is God’s reaching out to be in particular relationship with humanity.”(3) This act of loving presence on the part of G-d is a natural overflowing of G-d’s love for G-dself in community.(4) Taking on the flesh of humanity, enrobing himself in our corporal nature, Jesus the Christ exhibited for us the paramount paradigm of humanity, integrating flesh and spirit as a model for our existence. The incarnate Christ demonstrates the perfected process of becoming fully human as the embodiment of exemplary right relationship with the Divine and the goodness of creation.  Therefore, as imitators of Christ, our becoming fully human compels us to emulate G-d’s embodied, loving presence in relationship with the created order. Like Christ, to be in loving relationship with the Holy One is to also be in loving relationship with others, just as we are in our enfleshed humanity. Also like Christ, this is the greatest manifestation of love made real, but it is also our greatest manifestation of real risk. 
G-d in Community is more than sufficient for G-dself, whole and complete - by definition, perfect -lacking nothing in perfect union. Creation is a cosmic consequence of Divine love overflowing and breaching the banks of the boundless borders of G-dself. There is no inherent risk in G-d’s divine loving of G-d’s-self, only absolute authenticity and mutuality in intimate appreciation and desire. Creation, as a blessed byproduct of such sacred erotic adoration, is not inherently risk-filled either. Contrary to Elizabeth M. Edman’s argument, in order to create us, G-d did not take a risk.(5) The risk came in choosing to love G-d’s creation. The incarnation of the Word, Christ enfleshed dwelling with us, is love embodied and risk revealed. Edman’s words, though, cannot be more true, “God put God’s heart on the line for us.”(6)
    Kelly Brown Douglas responds that although the incarnation is evidence that “women and men are loved by God, it is not inevitable that they will share in the love…To do so requires that individuals freely choose to share the love of God as God freely chose to love them.”(7) Therein lies the risk. It is risky to authentically love the other who is gifted with the freewill of choosing whether to accept or deny that saving love.(8) Freewill is gifted to all humankind, even Jesus of Nazareth. By taking on our humanity and perfectly embodying the integration of the Divine and the flesh, Jesus the Christ, the Word of the Triune G-d, takes on all the complexities of humankind, both risk and reward. 
G-d’s love is more than enough to take on the risk of loving us in our embodied humanity, with no guarantee that we will chose to love G-d in return. Revealing G-dself through the incarnation enfleshes G-d’s love for us, but “revealing oneself authentically carries potential risk.”(9) The risk of authenticity is necessary if the incarnate Christ is to model for us embodied human flourishing. “In order to find a deep, intimate connection,” as Edman says, “[to] love and be loved deeply, intimately - we have to reveal ourselves.”(10)

In the incarnation, G-d demonstrates that love is worth the risk of revealing ourselves authentically for intimate “communication and communion.”(11) G-d embodied this risk through the incarnation, taking on our human form - even in the precarious weakness of a migrant, houseless infant; even in the precarious weakness of an oppressed minority; even in the precarious weakness of a body battered and sacrifice for the other - all to love us enough to risk connecting with us. G-d risks loving us because G-d has faith in us - that we are worthy of G-d’s love. Isn’t that the miracle of the incarnation? That G-d is willing to Relinquish Indelible Sacred Knowledge (RISK) that creation will choose to love G-d in return requires G-d to give humanity agency in how we respond to G-d’s love. We know love, because G-d loves us first. We risk love because G-d risks love first. For us, that means we must Realize our Incomplete Sapience of Kenosis (RISK) and have faith in G-d. Ultimately, the Reward for our Inability to Substantiate Karmic-consequences (RISK) is to believe not only that G-d has faith in us, but that G-d has faith in G-dself - that G-d is worthy of our risky love, too. 

1.Ronald Rolheiser, Holy Longing: The Search for Christian Spirituality (New York:Image, 2014), 80.

2.Carrie Allport, “A Spirituality of Crisis” (GTS AT 399: Independent Study: Crisis & Kairos, 2021), 2.

3.Kelly Brown Douglas, Sexuality and the Black Church: A Womanist Perspective (Maryknoll, New York: Orbis Books, 1999), 113.

4.Belden C. Lane, “Christ’s Descent into Hell, Hadewijch, and the Fierceness of Love: A Spirituality of Holy Saturday,” in Spiritus 23, no.1 (Spring 2023), 146-154.

5. Elizabeth M. Edman, “Risk,” in Queer Virtue: What LGBTQ People Know About Life and Love and How It Can Revitalize Christianity (Boston: Beacon Press, 2016), 43-64.

6. Edman, Queer Virtue, 44.

7. Brown Douglas, Sexuality and the Black Church, 114.

8. Frederick Buechner, “The Road to Emmaus,” in The Magnificent Defeat, (HarperSan Francisco: Harper Collins Publishers, 1966),  82-89.

9. Edman, Queer Virtue, 45.

10. Edman, Queer Virtue, 46.

11. James B. Nelson, Embodiment: An Approach to Sexuality and Christian Theology (Minneapolis, MN: Augsburg, 1978), 18.